“I’m just smashed. Whatever happy moments I have are subtracted from my innermost feeling- my anxiety, my indecisiveness. I can’t lead this life. It has instances where happiness flashes while the other times I’m just swimming with the tide but it turns the minute I catch the drift. Why can’t the water just pick me up and deliver me to the finish line after which I could just freely screw myself up, blare my noises wildly. Why am I young for all the good stuff? Like those decisions and benders and self-destructive behavior. I can see that happiness is taken away in a minute, because that next minute you know more and this extra knowledge destroys the now false shine of momentous morphine of the body, and the morphine of the mind just because it doesn’t conform to facts. I’ll disagree with all moral ethics that I’ve been pushed into believing. It’s all mainstream and plain, bland, bleak, normal with no wave of personal goodness. But I don’t want to think I’m bad. I’m only what I’m trying to be until finally I am tired. After I get tired all I have new is a blacker tone of nothingness. Look at me now, I’m glad because all I say, all I do- everything I do- is true to myself, a human under higher powers. It’s an endless bummer to have a good mind. You get hooked on the scene of depression and the torment is ingeniously genuine and not some made up reason to not be bright. People elsewhere will have to realize that it’s not about us, it’s about forgetting us. Forget about us.”
When Life Imitates Harm
Published by
Celluloid Trances 
This is both beautiful and desperately sad. If you will allow a rather older person to comment, I will not say that it will just pass. And yet I look back on my fucked-up younger self (anorexic/bulimic, wouldn’t say boo to a goose) and I am not that person any more. I didn’t set out not to be, but i think I did believe that one day I wouldn’t be like that. And I was lucky in that I had a successful career doing what I loved (I’ve changed career sort of, or at least got back to what I loved about it the job originally and which wasn’t happening any more). I am very, very lucky. I know that. But, as they say with finding love, it’s when you stop looking and just do or be that you realise you’ve got what you’re looking for. My heart aches for you, in part because I wonder what my fifteen-year old son will go through to get to peace and contentment. I look forward to reading more.
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You took so much time, thank you! I was writing from another perspective, hence the double quotes. I’m not this down!!!
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Reblogged this on Alessandria today @ Pier Carlo Lava.
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Top notch. Puts me in mind of the literary equivalent of Marc Ribot’s guitar playing.
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Ha! Thanks.
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“swimming with the tide but it turns the minute I catch the drift” there is that moment though just before it turns when you get to catch your breath and look around knowing there is more turbulence ahead but grateful for the peace and to know I am giving in and slowly becoming “a human under higher powers”
I loved this whole piece,
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Thank you! That means so much.
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I can’t relate but definitely know someone who has described himself exactly in these words.
“I’ll disagree with all moral ethics that I’ve been pushed into believing. It’s all mainstream and plain, bland, bleak, normal with no wave of personal goodness. But I don’t want to think I’m bad. I’m only what I’m trying to be until finally I am tired. After I get tired all I have new is a blacker tone of nothingness. Look at me now, I’m glad because all I say, all I do- everything I do- is true to myself, a human under higher powers. “
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Although he probably would say, all I have is a different shade of grey.
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I reckon, I understand.
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